I am so excited & completely overwhelmed that my prayers have been and will continue to be answered. My non-profit is moving forward, my career is taking great turns, and I am just loving me some me.
~God Bless
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
God, please read this.
Dear God,
I just want to start off with saying 'thank you' for all you have done for me. I've been bless beyond measure and I love you so so much....
Growing up my brother & I were inseparable. He is 4 years younger than me so I made it a point to be his body guard, protector, his everything. When a kid took his lunch money, in kindergarten, I went and smacked the kid and then informed the teacher of what the kid was doing to my brother and the kid never messed with him again. That made me smile. Well growing up we began to grow apart, I went off to high school and he was still in middles school, I then went to college and he started high school so our worlds just went in opposite directions. During my brothers 10th grade year of high school, he changed. Became so different. He never felt good enough and he would compare himself to me. A barrier that him and I both had to overcome was our learning disabilities. But his was a harder fight.
Fast forwarding to today and my 22 year old brother has the mental capacity of a 7 year old. He is unable to have complete thoughts and he is very reactive versus proactive. My mother is unable to leave him home alone for no more than 2 consecutive days. I am just so scared. No one can even begin to know how it feels to watch someone just deteriorate before their eyes and feel as though there's nothing you can do. Growing up all my brother wanted to do was be an Veterinarian, I mean this boy could spit you any and all information on any animal, breed, species, anatomy make-up etc because he would spend hours reading and studying animals. But when it came to college time he shut down and decided it wasn't for him. See, I'm not a man so I really don't know if there is a phase in a man's life where he just shuts down to the world but then later opens or if my brother is gone. Lord knows I miss him. I just want to come home one holiday and he comes out his room and just gives me a hug or just say hello. I just don't know. I am strongly considering bringing him out to TX for a couple of weeks and see if he will just open up if its just me and him. I just don't know. But I really think my eyes are running out of tears. I mean, what will happen if my parents were to pass today. Who would take care of him, would he know what to do, where to go?
God, I know my thoughts are everywhere but I need you.
Yours Truly,
Joi
I just want to start off with saying 'thank you' for all you have done for me. I've been bless beyond measure and I love you so so much....
Growing up my brother & I were inseparable. He is 4 years younger than me so I made it a point to be his body guard, protector, his everything. When a kid took his lunch money, in kindergarten, I went and smacked the kid and then informed the teacher of what the kid was doing to my brother and the kid never messed with him again. That made me smile. Well growing up we began to grow apart, I went off to high school and he was still in middles school, I then went to college and he started high school so our worlds just went in opposite directions. During my brothers 10th grade year of high school, he changed. Became so different. He never felt good enough and he would compare himself to me. A barrier that him and I both had to overcome was our learning disabilities. But his was a harder fight.
Fast forwarding to today and my 22 year old brother has the mental capacity of a 7 year old. He is unable to have complete thoughts and he is very reactive versus proactive. My mother is unable to leave him home alone for no more than 2 consecutive days. I am just so scared. No one can even begin to know how it feels to watch someone just deteriorate before their eyes and feel as though there's nothing you can do. Growing up all my brother wanted to do was be an Veterinarian, I mean this boy could spit you any and all information on any animal, breed, species, anatomy make-up etc because he would spend hours reading and studying animals. But when it came to college time he shut down and decided it wasn't for him. See, I'm not a man so I really don't know if there is a phase in a man's life where he just shuts down to the world but then later opens or if my brother is gone. Lord knows I miss him. I just want to come home one holiday and he comes out his room and just gives me a hug or just say hello. I just don't know. I am strongly considering bringing him out to TX for a couple of weeks and see if he will just open up if its just me and him. I just don't know. But I really think my eyes are running out of tears. I mean, what will happen if my parents were to pass today. Who would take care of him, would he know what to do, where to go?
God, I know my thoughts are everywhere but I need you.
Yours Truly,
Joi
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dear God, I Surrender
As I venture, very gradually, into the zone of surrender, I am wonderstruck at how different things seem in its domain. The outside circumstances have changed not a whit, but where they would have earlier had me in a welter of anger, worry, anxiety and so on, now they don't concern me much. In fact, this is what I am given to understand. None of this is my stuff. It's all God's stuff! My thoughts are God's stuff. My feelings are God's stuff. My reactions are God's stuff. My achievements are God's stuff. My mistakes are God's stuff. I simply do not have to tackle the contents of my mind. I can just turn them over, lock and barrel, as is, where is, to God's custody. Liberation? I should think so.
It was said that "Deeds are done. There is no doer thereof." Guilt over our misdeeds and pride over our achievements, were both misplaced, since 'we' simply were not there!
That experience is becoming a reality, and although the ego is still very present, I can begin to feel how irrelevant the self is in the scheme of things.
Things are so much better in the absence of the self. Alas, I am still reactive, but at least there is no longer any room for second level reaction - reaction over my reaction. I no longer feel guilt or remorse over my ire. I just hand it over to God. But, relax, this does not make me as heartless as I sound. Instead of kicking myself over the past, I put my attention on what I can do to make amends and to commit myself to being more in control next time. And I move on, unhampered by past luggage, no longer being "the bag lady".
Without the self, events that would have had me frothing with anxiety - a misunderstanding with someone, for instance - no longer have the power to move me. I do what I can to mend the situation, and move on. The anxiety over consequences and the constant replaying of the event in the mind are slowly leaving me.
Surrender simplifies life enormously. You no longer worry about how others see you; or why so and so is not talking to you, and so on.
Surrender is entirely different from prayer. Prayer arises out of need, and resistance. We pray for salvation from problems, relief from suffering, for success in ventures and for happiness.
Surrender arises when need and resistance have been transcended substantially. We leave it all to God's lookout and accept the consequences, good or bad. There is calmness and strength in surrender. A peace and tranquility. An entrenchment in the experience without prejudice, whether good or bad. In surrender, one savors life fully and whole-heartedly. Because we no longer want anything other than what is, we can experience it completely, without wanting to muffle the bad bits or amplify the good ones. We experience the sharp riff of physical pain, the full depth of our anger, the feel of a dog's fur on our hands, the flow of music within every cell, the tension within our body when someone says something we disagree with. There is a relaxation and a sense of time slowing down.
Without the self, we are free to focus on the other's feelings. Empty of the self's clamoring needs and desires, fears and prejudices, the other can be received fully, their needs met, their fears resolved, and their selves honored. I have yet to get here but I eagerly look forward to finally being there for others without judgment, likes and dislikes, needs and desires.
"Live Free, or Die"
It was said that "Deeds are done. There is no doer thereof." Guilt over our misdeeds and pride over our achievements, were both misplaced, since 'we' simply were not there!
That experience is becoming a reality, and although the ego is still very present, I can begin to feel how irrelevant the self is in the scheme of things.
Things are so much better in the absence of the self. Alas, I am still reactive, but at least there is no longer any room for second level reaction - reaction over my reaction. I no longer feel guilt or remorse over my ire. I just hand it over to God. But, relax, this does not make me as heartless as I sound. Instead of kicking myself over the past, I put my attention on what I can do to make amends and to commit myself to being more in control next time. And I move on, unhampered by past luggage, no longer being "the bag lady".
Without the self, events that would have had me frothing with anxiety - a misunderstanding with someone, for instance - no longer have the power to move me. I do what I can to mend the situation, and move on. The anxiety over consequences and the constant replaying of the event in the mind are slowly leaving me.
Surrender simplifies life enormously. You no longer worry about how others see you; or why so and so is not talking to you, and so on.
Surrender is entirely different from prayer. Prayer arises out of need, and resistance. We pray for salvation from problems, relief from suffering, for success in ventures and for happiness.
Surrender arises when need and resistance have been transcended substantially. We leave it all to God's lookout and accept the consequences, good or bad. There is calmness and strength in surrender. A peace and tranquility. An entrenchment in the experience without prejudice, whether good or bad. In surrender, one savors life fully and whole-heartedly. Because we no longer want anything other than what is, we can experience it completely, without wanting to muffle the bad bits or amplify the good ones. We experience the sharp riff of physical pain, the full depth of our anger, the feel of a dog's fur on our hands, the flow of music within every cell, the tension within our body when someone says something we disagree with. There is a relaxation and a sense of time slowing down.
Without the self, we are free to focus on the other's feelings. Empty of the self's clamoring needs and desires, fears and prejudices, the other can be received fully, their needs met, their fears resolved, and their selves honored. I have yet to get here but I eagerly look forward to finally being there for others without judgment, likes and dislikes, needs and desires.
"Live Free, or Die"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
