I am so excited & completely overwhelmed that my prayers have been and will continue to be answered. My non-profit is moving forward, my career is taking great turns, and I am just loving me some me.
~God Bless
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
God, please read this.
Dear God,
I just want to start off with saying 'thank you' for all you have done for me. I've been bless beyond measure and I love you so so much....
Growing up my brother & I were inseparable. He is 4 years younger than me so I made it a point to be his body guard, protector, his everything. When a kid took his lunch money, in kindergarten, I went and smacked the kid and then informed the teacher of what the kid was doing to my brother and the kid never messed with him again. That made me smile. Well growing up we began to grow apart, I went off to high school and he was still in middles school, I then went to college and he started high school so our worlds just went in opposite directions. During my brothers 10th grade year of high school, he changed. Became so different. He never felt good enough and he would compare himself to me. A barrier that him and I both had to overcome was our learning disabilities. But his was a harder fight.
Fast forwarding to today and my 22 year old brother has the mental capacity of a 7 year old. He is unable to have complete thoughts and he is very reactive versus proactive. My mother is unable to leave him home alone for no more than 2 consecutive days. I am just so scared. No one can even begin to know how it feels to watch someone just deteriorate before their eyes and feel as though there's nothing you can do. Growing up all my brother wanted to do was be an Veterinarian, I mean this boy could spit you any and all information on any animal, breed, species, anatomy make-up etc because he would spend hours reading and studying animals. But when it came to college time he shut down and decided it wasn't for him. See, I'm not a man so I really don't know if there is a phase in a man's life where he just shuts down to the world but then later opens or if my brother is gone. Lord knows I miss him. I just want to come home one holiday and he comes out his room and just gives me a hug or just say hello. I just don't know. I am strongly considering bringing him out to TX for a couple of weeks and see if he will just open up if its just me and him. I just don't know. But I really think my eyes are running out of tears. I mean, what will happen if my parents were to pass today. Who would take care of him, would he know what to do, where to go?
God, I know my thoughts are everywhere but I need you.
Yours Truly,
Joi
I just want to start off with saying 'thank you' for all you have done for me. I've been bless beyond measure and I love you so so much....
Growing up my brother & I were inseparable. He is 4 years younger than me so I made it a point to be his body guard, protector, his everything. When a kid took his lunch money, in kindergarten, I went and smacked the kid and then informed the teacher of what the kid was doing to my brother and the kid never messed with him again. That made me smile. Well growing up we began to grow apart, I went off to high school and he was still in middles school, I then went to college and he started high school so our worlds just went in opposite directions. During my brothers 10th grade year of high school, he changed. Became so different. He never felt good enough and he would compare himself to me. A barrier that him and I both had to overcome was our learning disabilities. But his was a harder fight.
Fast forwarding to today and my 22 year old brother has the mental capacity of a 7 year old. He is unable to have complete thoughts and he is very reactive versus proactive. My mother is unable to leave him home alone for no more than 2 consecutive days. I am just so scared. No one can even begin to know how it feels to watch someone just deteriorate before their eyes and feel as though there's nothing you can do. Growing up all my brother wanted to do was be an Veterinarian, I mean this boy could spit you any and all information on any animal, breed, species, anatomy make-up etc because he would spend hours reading and studying animals. But when it came to college time he shut down and decided it wasn't for him. See, I'm not a man so I really don't know if there is a phase in a man's life where he just shuts down to the world but then later opens or if my brother is gone. Lord knows I miss him. I just want to come home one holiday and he comes out his room and just gives me a hug or just say hello. I just don't know. I am strongly considering bringing him out to TX for a couple of weeks and see if he will just open up if its just me and him. I just don't know. But I really think my eyes are running out of tears. I mean, what will happen if my parents were to pass today. Who would take care of him, would he know what to do, where to go?
God, I know my thoughts are everywhere but I need you.
Yours Truly,
Joi
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dear God, I Surrender
As I venture, very gradually, into the zone of surrender, I am wonderstruck at how different things seem in its domain. The outside circumstances have changed not a whit, but where they would have earlier had me in a welter of anger, worry, anxiety and so on, now they don't concern me much. In fact, this is what I am given to understand. None of this is my stuff. It's all God's stuff! My thoughts are God's stuff. My feelings are God's stuff. My reactions are God's stuff. My achievements are God's stuff. My mistakes are God's stuff. I simply do not have to tackle the contents of my mind. I can just turn them over, lock and barrel, as is, where is, to God's custody. Liberation? I should think so.
It was said that "Deeds are done. There is no doer thereof." Guilt over our misdeeds and pride over our achievements, were both misplaced, since 'we' simply were not there!
That experience is becoming a reality, and although the ego is still very present, I can begin to feel how irrelevant the self is in the scheme of things.
Things are so much better in the absence of the self. Alas, I am still reactive, but at least there is no longer any room for second level reaction - reaction over my reaction. I no longer feel guilt or remorse over my ire. I just hand it over to God. But, relax, this does not make me as heartless as I sound. Instead of kicking myself over the past, I put my attention on what I can do to make amends and to commit myself to being more in control next time. And I move on, unhampered by past luggage, no longer being "the bag lady".
Without the self, events that would have had me frothing with anxiety - a misunderstanding with someone, for instance - no longer have the power to move me. I do what I can to mend the situation, and move on. The anxiety over consequences and the constant replaying of the event in the mind are slowly leaving me.
Surrender simplifies life enormously. You no longer worry about how others see you; or why so and so is not talking to you, and so on.
Surrender is entirely different from prayer. Prayer arises out of need, and resistance. We pray for salvation from problems, relief from suffering, for success in ventures and for happiness.
Surrender arises when need and resistance have been transcended substantially. We leave it all to God's lookout and accept the consequences, good or bad. There is calmness and strength in surrender. A peace and tranquility. An entrenchment in the experience without prejudice, whether good or bad. In surrender, one savors life fully and whole-heartedly. Because we no longer want anything other than what is, we can experience it completely, without wanting to muffle the bad bits or amplify the good ones. We experience the sharp riff of physical pain, the full depth of our anger, the feel of a dog's fur on our hands, the flow of music within every cell, the tension within our body when someone says something we disagree with. There is a relaxation and a sense of time slowing down.
Without the self, we are free to focus on the other's feelings. Empty of the self's clamoring needs and desires, fears and prejudices, the other can be received fully, their needs met, their fears resolved, and their selves honored. I have yet to get here but I eagerly look forward to finally being there for others without judgment, likes and dislikes, needs and desires.
"Live Free, or Die"
It was said that "Deeds are done. There is no doer thereof." Guilt over our misdeeds and pride over our achievements, were both misplaced, since 'we' simply were not there!
That experience is becoming a reality, and although the ego is still very present, I can begin to feel how irrelevant the self is in the scheme of things.
Things are so much better in the absence of the self. Alas, I am still reactive, but at least there is no longer any room for second level reaction - reaction over my reaction. I no longer feel guilt or remorse over my ire. I just hand it over to God. But, relax, this does not make me as heartless as I sound. Instead of kicking myself over the past, I put my attention on what I can do to make amends and to commit myself to being more in control next time. And I move on, unhampered by past luggage, no longer being "the bag lady".
Without the self, events that would have had me frothing with anxiety - a misunderstanding with someone, for instance - no longer have the power to move me. I do what I can to mend the situation, and move on. The anxiety over consequences and the constant replaying of the event in the mind are slowly leaving me.
Surrender simplifies life enormously. You no longer worry about how others see you; or why so and so is not talking to you, and so on.
Surrender is entirely different from prayer. Prayer arises out of need, and resistance. We pray for salvation from problems, relief from suffering, for success in ventures and for happiness.
Surrender arises when need and resistance have been transcended substantially. We leave it all to God's lookout and accept the consequences, good or bad. There is calmness and strength in surrender. A peace and tranquility. An entrenchment in the experience without prejudice, whether good or bad. In surrender, one savors life fully and whole-heartedly. Because we no longer want anything other than what is, we can experience it completely, without wanting to muffle the bad bits or amplify the good ones. We experience the sharp riff of physical pain, the full depth of our anger, the feel of a dog's fur on our hands, the flow of music within every cell, the tension within our body when someone says something we disagree with. There is a relaxation and a sense of time slowing down.
Without the self, we are free to focus on the other's feelings. Empty of the self's clamoring needs and desires, fears and prejudices, the other can be received fully, their needs met, their fears resolved, and their selves honored. I have yet to get here but I eagerly look forward to finally being there for others without judgment, likes and dislikes, needs and desires.
"Live Free, or Die"
Thursday, April 1, 2010
What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas...Except this!
OMG! My bestfriend & I decided to get-away last weekend and we made our destination LAS VEGAS! It was a first time for me but her 2nd time. I absolutely LOVED Vegas! It's like a playground for adults. We went to a couple of Museums, did some shopping, and of course hit the party scene!!! We stayed at the Bellagio and they get 10 stars from me!!
Day 1: Friday
We visited the Madam Toussands Wax Museum. The figures were so life-like. We had the opportunity to take pictures with Tupac, Halle Berry, Oprah, & even had the chance to swing a golf club at Tiger Woods(hehehee)! We then did some shopping at the Miracle Shops which was awesome for me because Tyler doesn't really have a lot of shopping options. While at the Miracle Shops we just hit up the buffet in the casino and it was pretty good. We then did some walking on the strips and did some window shopping at Casears Palace. Friday night we got VIP passes for Rain & the Ghostbar at the Palms. We loved it!!! Great music and the crowd was crunk all night!!
Natalie with Oprah...
Natalie & I with Obama!! I started tearing up even though it was just a wax figure, lol.
If only this was the real TIGER! Hahahahaaaa!!
Natalie & I at Rain
Day 2: Saturday
Saturday was a pretty low key day. We did the Eiffel Tower ride which gave us a great view of the Bellagio water show. We went to the Fashion Show mall for a bit and grabbed a slice of pizza at a pizzaria at the Paradise Island hotel. We then did sight-seeing walking along the strip. We did happy hour at Koi and the food is absolutely delicious. Koi is a grreat place for group of girls or for a date. Well Saturday night we decided we just had to do a Chippendales Show...and boy, did we make the right decision!! haha! Well I enjoyed it more than NatNat did, lol. We got to sit front row and I was chosen to go on the stage for one of their acts and I truly enjoyed it!! GO TO A SHOW!!!! I haven't had the opportunity to go to a regular strip club but I've disgusting things about it and this show was NOTHING like it. YOU WOULD ENJOY!! After the show we went to the Jay-Z party at Tao. Ummm...The place was filled, 7000+ people! Jay-Z, Jeezy, & Memphis Bleek(sexy self) was there and the crowd was beyond hype!
At Tao for Jay-Z's party
Feelin' good! lol
Day 3: Sunday
Sunday we went to the House of Blues for the Gospel Brunch. The singers were AWESOME and the food was FANTASTIC!! We then went to the MGM Hotel to see the Lion Habitat Show. The baby cubs were so cute...Their parents on the other were NOT! lol. After the show we went to the Erotic Heritage Museum and this was soooooooo intense! lol. It went through the evolution of sex and where it will be in the future. It was very informative and pretty cool. The paintings were really good and the history was neat to read about.
Day 4: Monday
REST!!!! VEGAS was GOOD to ME!! Can not wait til' next time!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Saddest Day of My Life"
Just how I'm feelin'
Now I'm the type of bitch that's one of a kind
(Ohh)
Y'all know, the kind of bitch that like to sip that fine wine
(Umm)
Like to be on top or get it from behind
Either way I throw the pussy like the free throw line
(Aeyeah)
Break a nigga spine, tote a Calico and dare
Any bitch if come try test mine
(Umm)
Violate, one time, I cock the nine
You, motherfuckin right I bust a bitch over mine
Shit, niggaz can cheat and put tips in bitches' waist
But when we slip up, get a gun in our face
Have me missin' show dates, heart beatin' slow pace
Wonder what he doin, who the fuck he screwin'
Bitches ain't shit, know that that's your man
And they still fuck around and try to suck the nigga dick
And I'm a bad bitch, I don't play that bullshit
Bitch'll catch wreck, I ain't got a full deck nigga
Ever since I was a little girl always wanted to know
How the fuck these niggaz think, why a man move so
Why would you jeopardize your whole life
Fuckin' one bitch for one night, blame it on the liquor
How would you feel if I fucked another nigga
And told you that motherfucker made me cum quicker?
You'd probably grab the gat and put two in my back
One in my face, nigga but it's one in my waist
Go 'head and slip, watch me shut down this bitch
Cheat on who?
Nigga I'll be gone before you
And when you with the one you love, disrespect the game
Before he drive you insane, losin' your fuckin' brain
For months I used to cry, felt like I wanted to die
Kept asking God why do I deserve this?
We all make mistakes, ain't nobody perfect
We're human, and through it all, I remained a good woman to you
Prayin' for strength and losin' my faith
How could you lay in my bed and lie in my face?
Jumpin' out my sleep
Havin' nightmares of me tossin' and turnin', my heart still burnin'
Watchin' me suffer, relivin' my fears
Holdin' my pillow close while you dryin' my tears
Stop your blood clot cryin', need to stop lyin'
And look me in my eyes 'fore these plates start flyin'
And how the fuck could you disrespect us
Everything we stand for, all our love and our trust
Seems like I said before, you won't appreciate me
And everything we have 'til I'm out the fuckin' door
Try to erase all the memories
They're the ones they goin' see
If I could forget all about the past
Oh no no no no, how long will this go on?
-Foxy Brown
Now I'm the type of bitch that's one of a kind
(Ohh)
Y'all know, the kind of bitch that like to sip that fine wine
(Umm)
Like to be on top or get it from behind
Either way I throw the pussy like the free throw line
(Aeyeah)
Break a nigga spine, tote a Calico and dare
Any bitch if come try test mine
(Umm)
Violate, one time, I cock the nine
You, motherfuckin right I bust a bitch over mine
Shit, niggaz can cheat and put tips in bitches' waist
But when we slip up, get a gun in our face
Have me missin' show dates, heart beatin' slow pace
Wonder what he doin, who the fuck he screwin'
Bitches ain't shit, know that that's your man
And they still fuck around and try to suck the nigga dick
And I'm a bad bitch, I don't play that bullshit
Bitch'll catch wreck, I ain't got a full deck nigga
Ever since I was a little girl always wanted to know
How the fuck these niggaz think, why a man move so
Why would you jeopardize your whole life
Fuckin' one bitch for one night, blame it on the liquor
How would you feel if I fucked another nigga
And told you that motherfucker made me cum quicker?
You'd probably grab the gat and put two in my back
One in my face, nigga but it's one in my waist
Go 'head and slip, watch me shut down this bitch
Cheat on who?
Nigga I'll be gone before you
And when you with the one you love, disrespect the game
Before he drive you insane, losin' your fuckin' brain
For months I used to cry, felt like I wanted to die
Kept asking God why do I deserve this?
We all make mistakes, ain't nobody perfect
We're human, and through it all, I remained a good woman to you
Prayin' for strength and losin' my faith
How could you lay in my bed and lie in my face?
Jumpin' out my sleep
Havin' nightmares of me tossin' and turnin', my heart still burnin'
Watchin' me suffer, relivin' my fears
Holdin' my pillow close while you dryin' my tears
Stop your blood clot cryin', need to stop lyin'
And look me in my eyes 'fore these plates start flyin'
And how the fuck could you disrespect us
Everything we stand for, all our love and our trust
Seems like I said before, you won't appreciate me
And everything we have 'til I'm out the fuckin' door
Try to erase all the memories
They're the ones they goin' see
If I could forget all about the past
Oh no no no no, how long will this go on?
-Foxy Brown
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Living Within the Moment...
Life is such a continuous cycle that we sometimes forget to Live within It. I was reading a few articles over the weekend and I really enjoyed this one....Its things you already know but a refresher doesn't hurt. We really must "Live within the Moments"...
-Spiritual Growth, Suite 101, By Christina Downs
By living in the moment, a person can relax and enhance spirituality.
What does it mean to live in the moment? Often a person's mind is not on what he is actually doing. Instead of focusing on the current meeting, a man’s mind wonders where to go for a drink after work or what to make for dinner that night. Rather than focusing on playing a game with her children, a woman’s mind wanders to an earlier conversation with a friend.
Today’s Hectic Society Makes it Difficult to Find Peace
It's hard to focus on one item at a time. In today's hectic, multi-tasking world, people jump quickly from task to task, always worrying about what's next or dwelling on the past. People often waste "now" time, missing what is happening in the only moment that truly exists – the present moment, which is where a person finds peace.
A simple flower has no problems living in the moment, growing and dying exactly as intended, never worrying about what will happen next. Religious leaders and texts speak to this phenomenon. For example, in the Bible verses Matthew 6:28-31, Jesus asks, “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet…not even Solomon…was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field…will he not much more clothe you…”
Smelling a field of fresh wildflowers, holding a child's hand, walking barefoot on the grass – life gains meaning through the single tiny moments. Some would argue that everyone would feel more at peace by learning to live every moment to its fullest, by just being.
How to Find Peace - and Grow Closer to Spirituality Within Each Moment
How can human beings avoid losing this "now" living?
While everyone thinks about the past or the future at some point, it is possible to retain the current moment, even if just for a moment. And isn't that all that's really needed? The following four tips suggest ways to start living in the moment, helping people find peace and attain greater spirituality in everyday life:
Being in nature helps a person live in and focus on each moment . Spiritual people often feel that being in nature brings them closer to their spirituality by demonstrating creation. As a person focuses on nature, peace overcomes her, and she becomes one with everything, living in the now.
Reading a thought-provoking book helps a person live in the moment by losing himself in another world. When a reader becomes lost in a story, other life responsibilities take a back seat. Focusing on only one item - the words/ideas on the page - the reader momentarily steps away from the fast pace of real life and finds peace.
Repetitive exercise helps a person’s body and mind live in the moment. Practicing mental and physical exercise is another method that can be used to live in the now. Whether practicing Yoga, lifting weights, or walking, when the muscles are taxed, the mind follows. Focusing on each individual movement forces the mind to live in that single moment with the body.
Praying and meditating helps a person live in the moment and grow closer to God. Not only does praying bring a greater sense of spirituality for a religious individual, it also relaxes the body and mind, helping a person find peace. Meditating takes this a step further into mindfulness, becoming intensely aware of self and surroundings, senses heightened yet relaxed and peaceful.
How Living These Single Moments Helps People Find Peace in Everyday Life
At moments when a person focuses so completely on the present (whether through time in nature, reading, exercise, prayer, or some other method of living in the moment), it becomes possible to set the hectic world aside. If a person spends enough time living these moments outside of everyday responsibilities, then those moments start to stay with her, helping her find peace amidst the craziness of daily life.
Living in the moment makes a person constantly aware while at the same time feeling “above” or part of it all, like soaring in the clouds yet planted on the ground simultaneously. Living in the moment makes many problems seem less significant yet magnifies the blessings.
Eckhart Tolle, author of the books The New Earth and The Power of Now, says, “The sapling doesn't want to grow. It lives in the moment, and growing happens to it.”
Human beings can take a lesson from that sapling by living in the moment and simply letting growing happen to them. That’s the real secret to how everyone can find peace and grow closer to God - moment by moment.
LIVE...
-Spiritual Growth, Suite 101, By Christina Downs
By living in the moment, a person can relax and enhance spirituality.
What does it mean to live in the moment? Often a person's mind is not on what he is actually doing. Instead of focusing on the current meeting, a man’s mind wonders where to go for a drink after work or what to make for dinner that night. Rather than focusing on playing a game with her children, a woman’s mind wanders to an earlier conversation with a friend.
Today’s Hectic Society Makes it Difficult to Find Peace
It's hard to focus on one item at a time. In today's hectic, multi-tasking world, people jump quickly from task to task, always worrying about what's next or dwelling on the past. People often waste "now" time, missing what is happening in the only moment that truly exists – the present moment, which is where a person finds peace.
A simple flower has no problems living in the moment, growing and dying exactly as intended, never worrying about what will happen next. Religious leaders and texts speak to this phenomenon. For example, in the Bible verses Matthew 6:28-31, Jesus asks, “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet…not even Solomon…was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field…will he not much more clothe you…”
Smelling a field of fresh wildflowers, holding a child's hand, walking barefoot on the grass – life gains meaning through the single tiny moments. Some would argue that everyone would feel more at peace by learning to live every moment to its fullest, by just being.
How to Find Peace - and Grow Closer to Spirituality Within Each Moment
How can human beings avoid losing this "now" living?
While everyone thinks about the past or the future at some point, it is possible to retain the current moment, even if just for a moment. And isn't that all that's really needed? The following four tips suggest ways to start living in the moment, helping people find peace and attain greater spirituality in everyday life:
Being in nature helps a person live in and focus on each moment . Spiritual people often feel that being in nature brings them closer to their spirituality by demonstrating creation. As a person focuses on nature, peace overcomes her, and she becomes one with everything, living in the now.
Reading a thought-provoking book helps a person live in the moment by losing himself in another world. When a reader becomes lost in a story, other life responsibilities take a back seat. Focusing on only one item - the words/ideas on the page - the reader momentarily steps away from the fast pace of real life and finds peace.
Repetitive exercise helps a person’s body and mind live in the moment. Practicing mental and physical exercise is another method that can be used to live in the now. Whether practicing Yoga, lifting weights, or walking, when the muscles are taxed, the mind follows. Focusing on each individual movement forces the mind to live in that single moment with the body.
Praying and meditating helps a person live in the moment and grow closer to God. Not only does praying bring a greater sense of spirituality for a religious individual, it also relaxes the body and mind, helping a person find peace. Meditating takes this a step further into mindfulness, becoming intensely aware of self and surroundings, senses heightened yet relaxed and peaceful.
How Living These Single Moments Helps People Find Peace in Everyday Life
At moments when a person focuses so completely on the present (whether through time in nature, reading, exercise, prayer, or some other method of living in the moment), it becomes possible to set the hectic world aside. If a person spends enough time living these moments outside of everyday responsibilities, then those moments start to stay with her, helping her find peace amidst the craziness of daily life.
Living in the moment makes a person constantly aware while at the same time feeling “above” or part of it all, like soaring in the clouds yet planted on the ground simultaneously. Living in the moment makes many problems seem less significant yet magnifies the blessings.
Eckhart Tolle, author of the books The New Earth and The Power of Now, says, “The sapling doesn't want to grow. It lives in the moment, and growing happens to it.”
Human beings can take a lesson from that sapling by living in the moment and simply letting growing happen to them. That’s the real secret to how everyone can find peace and grow closer to God - moment by moment.
LIVE...
Friday, January 1, 2010
all I want is the exhilaration of changing lives
It's a New Year! A time for new adventures, new relationships, new beginnings...
This is my time.
This is my time.
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