Dear God, I Surrender

As I venture, very gradually, into the zone of surrender, I am wonderstruck at how different things seem in its domain. The outside circumstances have changed not a whit, but where they would have earlier had me in a welter of anger, worry, anxiety and so on, now they don't concern me much. In fact, this is what I am given to understand. None of this is my stuff. It's all God's stuff! My thoughts are God's stuff. My feelings are God's stuff. My reactions are God's stuff. My achievements are God's stuff. My mistakes are God's stuff. I simply do not have to tackle the contents of my mind. I can just turn them over, lock and barrel, as is, where is, to God's custody. Liberation? I should think so.


It was said that "Deeds are done. There is no doer thereof." Guilt over our misdeeds and pride over our achievements, were both misplaced, since 'we' simply were not there!


That experience is becoming a reality, and although the ego is still very present, I can begin to feel how irrelevant the self is in the scheme of things.


Things are so much better in the absence of the self. Alas, I am still reactive, but at least there is no longer any room for second level reaction - reaction over my reaction. I no longer feel guilt or remorse over my ire. I just hand it over to God. But, relax, this does not make me as heartless as I sound. Instead of kicking myself over the past, I put my attention on what I can do to make amends and to commit myself to being more in control next time. And I move on, unhampered by past luggage, no longer being "the bag lady".


Without the self, events that would have had me frothing with anxiety - a misunderstanding with someone, for instance - no longer have the power to move me. I do what I can to mend the situation, and move on. The anxiety over consequences and the constant replaying of the event in the mind are slowly leaving me.


Surrender simplifies life enormously. You no longer worry about how others see you; or why so and so is not talking to you, and so on.


Surrender is entirely different from prayer. Prayer arises out of need, and resistance. We pray for salvation from problems, relief from suffering, for success in ventures and for happiness.


Surrender arises when need and resistance have been transcended substantially. We leave it all to God's lookout and accept the consequences, good or bad. There is calmness and strength in surrender. A peace and tranquility. An entrenchment in the experience without prejudice, whether good or bad. In surrender, one savors life fully and whole-heartedly. Because we no longer want anything other than what is, we can experience it completely, without wanting to muffle the bad bits or amplify the good ones. We experience the sharp riff of physical pain, the full depth of our anger, the feel of a dog's fur on our hands, the flow of music within every cell, the tension within our body when someone says something we disagree with. There is a relaxation and a sense of time slowing down.


Without the self, we are free to focus on the other's feelings. Empty of the self's clamoring needs and desires, fears and prejudices, the other can be received fully, their needs met, their fears resolved, and their selves honored. I have yet to get here but I eagerly look forward to finally being there for others without judgment, likes and dislikes, needs and desires.


"Live Free, or Die"

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas...Except this!

OMG! My bestfriend & I decided to get-away last weekend and we made our destination LAS VEGAS! It was a first time for me but her 2nd time. I absolutely LOVED Vegas! It's like a playground for adults. We went to a couple of Museums, did some shopping, and of course hit the party scene!!! We stayed at the Bellagio and they get 10 stars from me!!

Day 1: Friday

We visited the Madam Toussands Wax Museum. The figures were so life-like. We had the opportunity to take pictures with Tupac, Halle Berry, Oprah, & even had the chance to swing a golf club at Tiger Woods(hehehee)! We then did some shopping at the Miracle Shops which was awesome for me because Tyler doesn't really have a lot of shopping options. While at the Miracle Shops we just hit up the buffet in the casino and it was pretty good. We then did some walking on the strips and did some window shopping at Casears Palace. Friday night we got VIP passes for Rain & the Ghostbar at the Palms. We loved it!!! Great music and the crowd was crunk all night!!

Natalie with Oprah...

Natalie & I with Obama!! I started tearing up even though it was just a wax figure, lol.

If only this was the real TIGER! Hahahahaaaa!!

Natalie & I at Rain

Day 2: Saturday
Saturday was a pretty low key day. We did the Eiffel Tower ride which gave us a great view of the Bellagio water show. We went to the Fashion Show mall for a bit and grabbed a slice of pizza at a pizzaria at the Paradise Island hotel. We then did sight-seeing walking along the strip. We did happy hour at Koi and the food is absolutely delicious. Koi is a grreat place for group of girls or for a date. Well Saturday night we decided we just had to do a Chippendales Show...and boy, did we make the right decision!! haha! Well I enjoyed it more than NatNat did, lol. We got to sit front row and I was chosen to go on the stage for one of their acts and I truly enjoyed it!! GO TO A SHOW!!!! I haven't had the opportunity to go to a regular strip club but I've disgusting things about it and this show was NOTHING like it. YOU WOULD ENJOY!! After the show we went to the Jay-Z party at Tao. Ummm...The place was filled, 7000+ people! Jay-Z, Jeezy, & Memphis Bleek(sexy self) was there and the crowd was beyond hype!

At Tao for Jay-Z's party

Feelin' good! lol

Day 3: Sunday
Sunday we went to the House of Blues for the Gospel Brunch. The singers were AWESOME and the food was FANTASTIC!! We then went to the MGM Hotel to see the Lion Habitat Show. The baby cubs were so cute...Their parents on the other were NOT! lol. After the show we went to the Erotic Heritage Museum and this was soooooooo intense! lol. It went through the evolution of sex and where it will be in the future. It was very informative and pretty cool. The paintings were really good and the history was neat to read about.

Day 4: Monday
REST!!!! VEGAS was GOOD to ME!! Can not wait til' next time!!!

"Saddest Day of My Life"

Just how I'm feelin'



Now I'm the type of bitch that's one of a kind
(Ohh)
Y'all know, the kind of bitch that like to sip that fine wine
(Umm)
Like to be on top or get it from behind
Either way I throw the pussy like the free throw line
(Aeyeah)
Break a nigga spine, tote a Calico and dare
Any bitch if come try test mine
(Umm)
Violate, one time, I cock the nine
You, motherfuckin right I bust a bitch over mine
Shit, niggaz can cheat and put tips in bitches' waist
But when we slip up, get a gun in our face

Have me missin' show dates, heart beatin' slow pace
Wonder what he doin, who the fuck he screwin'
Bitches ain't shit, know that that's your man

And they still fuck around and try to suck the nigga dick

And I'm a bad bitch, I don't play that bullshit
Bitch'll catch wreck, I ain't got a full deck nigga


Ever since I was a little girl always wanted to know
How the fuck these niggaz think, why a man move so

Why would you jeopardize your whole life
Fuckin' one bitch for one night, blame it on the liquor

How would you feel if I fucked another nigga
And told you that motherfucker made me cum quicker?

You'd probably grab the gat and put two in my back
One in my face, nigga but it's one in my waist
Go 'head and slip, watch me shut down this bitch
Cheat on who?
Nigga I'll be gone before you

And when you with the one you love, disrespect the game
Before he drive you insane, losin' your fuckin' brain


For months I used to cry, felt like I wanted to die
Kept asking God why do I deserve this?
We all make mistakes, ain't nobody perfect
We're human, and through it all, I remained a good woman to you
Prayin' for strength and losin' my faith
How could you lay in my bed and lie in my face?
Jumpin' out my sleep
Havin' nightmares of me tossin' and turnin', my heart still burnin'

Watchin' me suffer, relivin' my fears
Holdin' my pillow close while you dryin' my tears

Stop your blood clot cryin', need to stop lyin'
And look me in my eyes 'fore these plates start flyin'
And how the fuck could you disrespect us

Everything we stand for, all our love and our trust

Seems like I said before, you won't appreciate me
And everything we have 'til I'm out the fuckin' door


Try to erase all the memories
They're the ones they goin' see
If I could forget all about the past
Oh no no no no, how long will this go on?

-Foxy Brown